In her reflections, Holker speaks about entering a new chapter in her life, focusing on finding her best self outside of her roles as a wife, mother, and public figure. “I’m starting this new chapter where I’m really going to be finding the best version of who I am, and not the best version of who I was with Stephen, or with my past traumas,” she shared, emphasizing the importance of personal growth during such a challenging time.
Holker shared that looking back on their final days together, she now sees moments that she hadn’t fully processed at the time. Their anniversary weekend in Laguna Beach, which seemed idyllic, was followed by events that led to Stephen’s tragic death. “When we were in the moment, everything was beautiful,” she reflected, but in hindsight, she recognized subtle signs that she missed.
One of the most poignant moments she shared was about Stephen’s final words. “I wish I could be your Superman,” he had said. While these words were meant to be loving, Holker now sees them as a sign of his internal struggles. Their daughter, who was there when those words were spoken, continues to show incredible strength in facing the aftermath. Holker expressed immense pride in her daughter’s ability to navigate such difficult emotions, even when facing such heartbreaking challenges.
Holker also shared a deeper understanding of Stephen’s personality and internal battles. While he was outwardly joyful and extroverted as ‘tWitch,’ he struggled with being introverted and hiding his true feelings. “I wish he would have felt comfortable asking for help,” Holker expressed. She explained how important it is for people to feel safe enough to express their emotions rather than suppress them, something she wishes Stephen had felt in their relationship.
Throughout her healing journey, Holker has learned valuable lessons about the power of vulnerability and asking for help. She admitted that, in the past, she hadn’t allowed herself time to heal, focusing only on her family. “I realized I haven’t taken a moment to also heal myself,” she shared. Holker now sees the importance of not carrying the burden alone and learning to lean on others for support, a lesson she’s still trying to implement in her life.
A particularly difficult moment came when Holker discovered hidden struggles of Stephen’s that she hadn’t known about. While cleaning out his closet, she uncovered alarming things that shocked her, making her realize that he had been battling issues privately. “There was a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed,” she said, expressing how overwhelming and painful it was to uncover the extent of his internal battles.
As she continues to grieve, Holker has come to terms with the fact that healing is not a linear journey. “You’re always going to have triggers,” she acknowledged, explaining that healing requires creating healthy ways to deal with moments of sadness, confusion, and anger. She described journaling as a form of therapy for herself, where she could process her emotions and share her story.
Holker also began documenting her journey in a book, a project she felt was important both for herself and her children. She shared how her dear friend had encouraged her to document everything so that, one day, her children could understand the journey they all went through. Writing the book became a way for Holker to reflect on her experiences and share the lessons she’s learned about grief, healing, and personal strength.
In her conversations with her children, Holker has had to confront painful truths far too soon. She spoke about having difficult discussions with her kids, ensuring they heard the truth from her rather than from outside sources. “I had to share the honesty and the truth with my children far too soon,” she said. Despite the difficulty of those moments, Holker knew it was important to provide a safe space for her children to understand what had happened.
Looking forward, Holker is focused on helping her children through their own healing journey. She wants them to remember that their struggles do not define them. “This moment in their life does not define who they are,” she said. She hopes her children will find strength in themselves and lean on each other as they continue to heal.
Holker also addressed the public’s curiosity about why she doesn’t post about Stephen on social media, explaining that it’s simply too painful. The memories, though beautiful, have become bittersweet, and seeing pictures of Stephen brings up too much sadness. “It was such a beautiful time, but then the stories have kind of turned and changed,” she explained.
Allison Holker’s openness and vulnerability about her grief and healing process serve as a powerful reminder of the strength it takes to ask for help and lean on loved ones during times of hardship. Her journey continues, but she remains committed to finding healing, both for herself and her family, and helping others understand that even through the darkest times, there is hope for recovery.
